"How To: Suck at Life"

Hopefully I’ve gained your attention before you make the wrong decisions in life. See, success can only get you so far --but sucking leaves room for notoriety. Now if you wanna do this right, then I suggest you pay close attention, because this is where it begins. Before you run off to college after high school, think about your boyfriend; is he going to the same school? Is he even going to college? Maybe you should consider other alternatives, like getting a full-time job so that you can keep that loser boyfriend. Once you find him cheating on you, your best option would be to take up drugs to erase the pain --start small though, prescription pain-killers ought to do the trick. Make sure you apply for every charge card: Visa, Master Card; and every personal loan that you can get. This will come in handy later on.

Now that you’ve developed a bit of an addiction, lost a little bit of yourself, and racked up a considerably high balance on your credit cards, it’s time to move on. This is where you start experimenting with the so-called “real” drugs: ecstasy, mushrooms, meth, cocaine- whatever you find available should do. If you do enough drugs the night before you’re scheduled to work, then you should have no problem maintaining that high well into the work day- that way, you can be sure to pass out periodically at your desk, or in the bathroom for a paid afternoon nap. Go home and do it all again. I mean shit, why not? If you really want to drive the nail in then make sure your mom sees you lit out of your mind. It’ll make her cry, and then you can tell her to shut the fuck up, because it’s no big deal and it’s none of her business. You know what? Maybe now it’s time for you to move out.

At this point the bills should be pouring in and having that job sure doesn’t help give you any excuses about why you can’t pay them --so quit it. $14 an hour is shit anyway. You could do so much better. Quit the job, move out of your mom’s house, and go stay with your friends in another state. That way, your mom won’t be up in your business, the bill collectors can’t find you, and you now have a great opportunity for losing some friends. Get messed up, piss them off and when the rent’s due --fuck it. They know you’re a junkie at this point, so why bother trying to carry your weight? You NEED that little bit of money you have left for drugs, you need to escape reality. However, I should warn you: they WILL kick you out at some point; but don’t worry being homeless isn’t all that bad. In the mean time, sit and think of all the reasons why none of this is your fault. Notoriety can’t be yours if you connect the cause of these downfalls with things you’ve done to bring it on.

The time has finally come for you to start finding alternative ways to supply your habits and stay alive. Luckily, there are a variety of ways you can accomplish this. You can prostitute (which might also help in lowering your self worth), you could rob someone, you could break into cars and swipe things to pawn, or you could steal mail. This last option may be a felony, so be cautious. Use the little brain cells you may have left to find creative ways of getting by, and try not to get caught. Though you shouldn’t have much to lose at this point, since you will be in serious denial about your life, getting busted makes it hard to find ways of pinning the blame on others. You’re on your own
now, kid. What do you want? I don’t have anymore advice to offer, I suck at life.